Balancing my Yearning for Spontaneous Intimacy Whilst Seeking a Committed Partnership
Being a homosexual male in my late 40s, my life has involved numerous, largely pleasurable years engaging in casual sex with other men since the age of 19. During my fourth decade, I was in a serious relationship which continued for four years, but it never fully satisfied me, in that I felt neither loved or sexually nourished. The fact is that my constant desire has been for uncommitted intimacy. Every time I start seeing any man, when the initial excitement dwindles, I always get the urge to be intimate with other men again.
Questioning the Possibility of Monogamy
I am now wondering whether it's possible for me to sustain a monogamous relationship. I understand that many homosexual males have non-monogamous arrangements, but when I’ve witnessed them, they appear demanding, often causing lots of heartache and envy for everyone involved. To a large extent, I want another man to love me while letting me remain sexually free, however I fear the psychological toll this might create. Should I just continue to have casual sex and accept that a lasting partnership may be unattainable? I’m feeling a bit lost.
Each individual's intimate path varies. Avoid considering about what you require in partnerships or your capacity to handle different types of intimate connections in a finite way. Your needs as you are experiencing them now could easily shift down the road; eventually you may find yourself less ambivalent and discover greater understanding and a comfortable path … or not. At some point you might meet someone offering a life-changing chance for you through mirroring your desires completely … and later on you might decide that non-committal encounters suit you best. Worrying about the future and engaging in endless speculation is simply rooted in fear and squandering of your efforts. Try to be present in your relationships, and recognize the value of every individual you connect with intimately an intimate bond. If and when you are ever ready to strengthen genuine closeness with a single person, you will know.
- Pamela Stephenson Connolly practices as a US-based psychotherapist focusing on addressing sexual disorders.
